I feel guilty…

After coming back from work yesterday, I changed and sat with a cup of coffee. I called mom as I have not been able to talk to her properly for past couple of days due to my busy work schedule. Her voice was very low when she picked up the phone. I asked her what’s wrong mom and she burst into tears. Nothing new happened, well that is her disappointment that nothing new has happened. Dad is still recovering, her life still lies in hope and she is deeply and sadly disappointed with life and why is it unfair to her. How do I tell you mom, it’s not unfair, dad is still with us and he is on the road of recovery. How many people do we hear survive such severe accident? Well, I’m not saying it should have happened but this is life, it’s always unexpected. I’m glad with the fact that he is with us in one piece. I, to my own surprise, shouted at her for being sad all the time. I can’t do it, I need support too, and I need my mom and my dad. I disconnected the call and involuntarily tears rolled down my cheeks. How do I tell her that I’m not angry? I just can’t bear her pain and shouting is my defense. How do I tell her that I understand her pain? My way of coping up is not thinking about it too much and just keeping faith that God will take care of us. Sitting, thinking and crying damages my heart and soul. I asked her to do the same several times but I guess every person is different. It might be her way of coping up. I just pray to God give her strength. I feel guilty for shouting at her.

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2 thoughts on “I feel guilty…

  1. Hi Anuja: Please dear girl don’t carry guilt around; it will sap you of your energy. I think I understand what is happening with you and with your mother. She is overwhelmed and frightened vis-a-vis your father as well. But you need to be heard also. When you have a mother and daughter both, equally, needing to be heard, validated, understood and loved this kind of thing will happen. It is not your job to be mother to your mother so I understand how it would happen, your shouting at her. You can’t take it back honey. I think personally this is a case of ‘moving on’. And learning how to divert this from happening again. I, unfortunately, left my mothers life because I couldn’t cope with mothering her but if I had to do it again I would look for another way. You may have insight she doesn’t have so it’s up to you to take the high road with getting what you need, like writing a blog and letting her be her. xxxxooooo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah for now that’s what I’m doing, she needs to heard, I listen and try not to lecture her on being positive. I just tell her everything’s gonna be alright because that’s what I truly believe. And I let off steam by writing a blog like this one or just weeping once in a while. I feel light. Thanks for your kind words. One needs to be heard sometimes.

      Liked by 1 person

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