I beat Cancer and I’m proud survivor.

When I was done with my follow-up tests few days ago and it came out be negative, I feel calm though I was never nervous in the first place. I just sat and recalled my days to chemotherapy. I have come a long way since then, 7 years in all. When I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins lymphoma, which is a type of blood cancer, I was just a teenager 15 years old. I knew nothing about cancer back then, just read it in books or heard it on Television. My parents never told me thinking that I will be horrified; they told me that I have got some infection which has caused the lump. I knew they were lying but I pretended to believe them to give them a little relief. I somehow managed to look at my initial diagnosis reports and I searched it online and read and try to understand whatever I could. Being a biology student helped to understand a little better. For reasons unknown, I was not scared. I was just worried about my parents; I could see stress, sadness on their face all the time though they try hard not to reveal it to me. The horrified look on my little siblings, they didn’t knew what was wrong with me; they just knew something was and it definitely didn’t look good. They all try to be strong in front of me and so were I. Throughout my treatment that went on for 1 year; my entire family lived a nightmare. My dad used to come and sit beside me whole night looking at me & may be crying assuming that I’m asleep. I let him believe that. I didn’t want him to feel weak, he is my strong hero & I knew he would save me. My mother on the other hand is quite emotional; I hear her crying in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in the living room and everywhere. I used to joke around her saying, Mom I’m going to be okay, you won’t get rid of me so soon & she used to faek-slap me trying hard to make angry face and then used to hug me tightly. The IV drips used to be painful, I could feel the drugs rushing through my veins but I never cried or flinched because I knew my parents can’t bear my pain. I used to smile at my mom. I heard the nurses saying, your daughter is such a pretty doll with a brave heart. And I could see adoration, love, fear, sadness, all emotions together in my dad’s eyes and he used to give a weak smile to the sweet nurse. Since the Chemo affects the immunity badly, I developed many secondary infections during my treatment much more painful than the treatment itself. I don’t know from where I got the strength but I never cried. I started to lose weight, used to look pale & my hair stared falling. Half way through the cycle, the doctors advised to cut my hair short as anyways I’m going to lose them all. I loved my hair; I had beautiful silky waist-length hair. My friends used to call them Rapunzel’s hair. It was during the 6 or 7th month when Dad came to my room, sat near my bed stroking my forehead. He said, you are my brave daughter and you will always look beautiful but we need to cut your hair, they will grow back, don’t you worry. I didn’t say anything, just went with him to his room. When he started, I realized he was shaving my head; I closed my eyes tightly and tried to swallow back the lump in my throat. When he was done, he hugged me. I went straight to my room, locked it from inside and wept like I never did before. Now it sounds so foolish but I still remember what I felt back then. I thought I have become the ugliest girl; no one would ever love me. How will I go to college, no one would talk to me. I didn’t see anyone for 6 months, not any relatives not my friends though they insisted a lot. After my treatment was over, it was time to get back on my life. It took forever for my parents to convince me to join college as I already lost one year after my school. I got admission in a college in another state altogether; I was so scared to leave home. I somehow did and started my college. I dad bought me a wig which I used to wear 24*7 afraid to take it off thinking that people might laugh at me. One day my roommate found out, I was shocked and surprised at her reaction. She was so kind and caring and she told me, you shouldn’t be ashamed you are such a beautiful girl and whatever happened was not your fault and she never forced me to tell anything unless I want to share. I felt a little relieved. Though it took a year or so to regain my lost confidence and eventually my hair grew back. I adopted a short bob cut afraid to grow them longer. Time passed and so did my fears. I feel much stronger, confident and proud about myself. I survived it and now I’m all hail & hearty. I’m a survivor and learnt that we can be beautiful in any form; it’s just a state of mind. Which was once my fear is now my reason to live, to work for the cure of cancer and seeing little kids here with cancer reminds me of my time and I’m more determined than ever to do something, whatever little I can do and that is why my job is not work for me, it is my passion and I enjoy it as it gives meaning to my life.

When I was done with my follow-up tests few days ago and it came out be negative, I feel calm though I was never nervous in the first place. I just sat and recalled my days to chemotherapy. I have come a long way since then, 7 years in all. When I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins lymphoma, which is a type of blood cancer, I was just a teenager 15 years old. I knew nothing about cancer back then, just read it in books or heard it on Television. My parents never told me thinking that I will be horrified; they told me that I have got some infection which has caused the lump. I knew they were lying but I pretended to believe them to give them a little relief. I somehow managed to look at my initial diagnosis reports and I searched it online and read and try to understand whatever I could. Being a biology student helped to understand a little better. For reasons unknown, I was not scared. I was just worried about my parents; I could see stress, sadness on their face all the time though they try hard not to reveal it to me. The horrified look on my little siblings, they didn’t knew what was wrong with me; they just knew something was and it definitely didn’t look good. They all try to be strong in front of me and so were I. Throughout my treatment that went on for 1 year; my entire family lived a nightmare. My dad used to come and sit beside me whole night looking at me & may be crying assuming that I’m asleep. I let him believe that. I didn’t want him to feel weak, he is my strong hero & I knew he would save me. My mother on the other hand is quite emotional; I hear her crying in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in the living room and everywhere. I used to joke around her saying, Mom I’m going to be okay, you won’t get rid of me so soon & she used to faek-slap me trying hard to make angry face and then used to hug me tightly. The IV drips used to be painful, I could feel the drugs rushing through my veins but I never cried or flinched because I knew my parents can’t bear my pain. I used to smile at my mom. I heard the nurses saying, your daughter is such a pretty doll with a brave heart. And I could see adoration, love, fear, sadness, all emotions together in my dad’s eyes and he used to give a weak smile to the sweet nurse. Since the Chemo affects the immunity badly, I developed many secondary infections during my treatment much more painful than the treatment itself. I don’t know from where I got the strength but I never cried. I started to lose weight, used to look pale & my hair stared falling. Half way through the cycle, the doctors advised to cut my hair short as anyways I’m going to lose them all. I loved my hair; I had beautiful silky waist-length hair. My friends used to call them Rapunzel’s hair. It was during the 6 or 7th month when Dad came to my room, sat near my bed stroking my forehead. He said, you are my brave daughter and you will always look beautiful but we need to cut your hair, they will grow back, don’t you worry. I didn’t say anything, just went with him to his room. When he started, I realized he was shaving my head; I closed my eyes tightly and tried to swallow back the lump in my throat. When he was done, he hugged me. I went straight to my room, locked it from inside and wept like I never did before. Now it sounds so foolish but I still remember what I felt back then. I thought I have become the ugliest girl; no one would ever love me. How will I go to college, no one would talk to me. I didn’t see anyone for 6 months, not any relatives not my friends though they insisted a lot. After my treatment was over, it was time to get back on my life. It took forever for my parents to convince me to join college as I already lost one year after my school. I got admission in a college in another state altogether; I was so scared to leave home. I somehow did and started my college. I dad bought me a wig which I used to wear 24*7 afraid to take it off thinking that people might laugh at me. One day my roommate found out, I was shocked and surprised at her reaction. She was so kind and caring and she told me, you shouldn’t be ashamed you are such a beautiful girl and whatever happened was not your fault and she never forced me to tell anything unless I want to share. I felt a little relieved. Though it took a year or so to regain my lost confidence and eventually my hair grew back. I adopted a short bob cut afraid to grow them longer. Time passed and so did my fears. I feel much stronger, confident and proud about myself. I survived it and now I’m all hail & hearty. I’m a survivor and learnt that we can be beautiful in any form; it’s just a state of mind. Which was once my fear is now my reason to live, to work for the cure of cancer and seeing little kids here with cancer reminds me of my time and I’m more determined than ever to do something, whatever little I can do and that is why my job is not work for me, it is my passion and I enjoy it as it gives meaning to my life.

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9 thoughts on “I beat Cancer and I’m proud survivor.

  1. Anuja oh my dear girl, you have gone through so much for such a young woman. It is no wonder you feel sad, Crying is the appropriate thing to do. I would worry about you if you didn’t Anuja. You sound like you have a lovely family and you have that support but also know it’s not always, even in a good family, to open up and express all your feelings to them. You don’t like to burden people I think, again because you are sensitive and considerate. These challenges do make us stronger and the woman you are becoming is showing.
    I also would like to tell you I was massively sick too with Eosinophilia with involves the white blood cells and is an immune system. Blood symbolizes the life force. Blood problems symbolizes ‘lack of joy’.
    The strength is obviously there Anuja but you and I need to find more joy. Bless you my dear. Louise

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah I have heard about Eosinophilia, I hope you are okay now. And I agree with you that life challeneges make us stronger. They give a whole new prospective to life.
      And Oh yes! we do need to find joy 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. There is much strength and courage in being a survivor, but it also gives a person a remarkable amount of empathy and compassion. Being a survivor makes you special, but somehow I think you would have been special without all the suffering that comes with being a survivor. 🙂

    Like

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