The silent scream

The pain may subside, tears may have dried, I try to smile but the sadness never goes away. People pass me on the street and out eyes briefly meet. They hold the door open for me as I enter behind them.I say thanks, but they have no idea that my mind is blank. In the elevator they crack a joke, I flash a smile, they have no idea that my heart is in denial. I talk to my mom everyday to give her support & tell her that it’s all going to be okay.  She asks me how my day was and I say fine. She has no idea that my brain and I are arguing to if I should cross the line. I tell my friends that I’m doing good as nobody likes a sad person. I smile so that’s what people see on my face, they think that I’m happy but deep down inside I feel like everything is falling apart. Everyone supports you for a while & then they all get busy in their lives. And then loneliness surrounds you. You want to hold tight to something that will help you once again enjoy the journey into lives amazing treks. You want to feel that every day can be better than the last.
You want to turn your empty feeling into a thing of your past….

You look good from outside but your heart silently screams. Will it ever go away? Will everything be okay? Will I ever have a heartfelt laugh?

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12 thoughts on “The silent scream

  1. I know too well what you are saying, there are no words to make it feel better. We endure because there is little option. Having said that I do believe in moments of reprieve. They are the small moments when something makes you smile, love and feel at peace. The butterfly, the cherry blossoms, the cute dogie. Those things will make it worth it.
    Louise

    Liked by 2 people

      1. It doesn’t answer all the questions, it doesn’t change the hollowness inside but these small things can be significant. I do know you know that. You seem so smart and I can learn from you. I have, at times, kept a Gratitude Journal, you probably have thought of that. On those days when it feels like nothing feels good and if you only put down one thing. Nothing is too small when one just doesn’t know how to get up and get out of the muck and mire of it all.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. OMG! you won’t believe I have one too. I keep writing about things I feel grateful for, be it big or small. And I put up happy notes on my laptop and in front of my bed & study table. I may be low sometimes but I’m an optimistic person & I have faith it will all be okay one day 🙂
    Thank you for your words. It means a lot 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve read a lot about brain injuries, so if you have any questions about your dad, maybe his symptoms or progress, I’d be happy to try to answer them. I think when you don’t know about certain medical conditions, it’s fear of the unknown that can make things worse. But since you’re working on cancer research, perhaps you already have the knowledge that you need.

    I know about loneliness, especially during difficult times, and how everyone else seems involved in their own lives, too busy or uninterested in your problems. But since they don’t know about your struggles, maybe you’re not giving them the chance to be supportive. Who knows, some of the people you know might also be struggling and not want to bother anyone with their problems. Sometimes being strong means allowing others to help.

    Don’t forget to take care of yourself. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for words 🙂 It means a lot when someone understands what you are going through. I have done my research on brain injuries but i only know the theoretical stuffs, i don’t know what happens in practical life. My dad was hit on the left side of his brain. Doctors say it’s the area that controls motor functions especially speech. He is suffering from aphasia (inability to speak correct words), he has improved a lot in the past one year but still a long way to go. Neurosurgeons & neuro-physicians have contradictory opinions. The former says he is going to be completely normal, its just going to take time while the neuro-physicians are saying, his has sustained permanent damage & he could be made functional with speech therapies but its never going to be completely normal. I don’t believe that because I have seen tremendous improvements since the day he arrived from hospital till today. But sometimes i feel is it my honest faith or am I in denial??

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The brain is a wondrous organ. It’s ability to heal itself and find new pathways is just amazing:

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuroplasticity

        Of course everyone is different, but I think as long as the brain is stimulated, anything is possible. So, no, I don’t think you’re in denial. I was just wondering if your dad likes any kind of art or music, as I think those kinds of therapies are not only positive, but work pretty well. To function, the brain needs to learn new things, even when it’s working properly.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. That’s some assuring stuff. Thank you for sharing 🙂
    Yeah my dad is a music lover & he is responding to music since day one. Doctors said that music is comprehended by right side of the brain which, in my dad’s case, is perfectly healthy, so music can be used as a therapy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I remember being young and feeling excited about birthdays. 🙂 Here’s hoping you get lots of presents. Just kidding, here’s hoping you spend it with people you care about.

      I got a big container of ranch dressing yesterday, so right now, things are okay. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

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